I started seeing a man recently. I shouldn’t say we’re seeing each other; we’ve met twice and it’s more like we’re getting to know each other.
On the first date he said that he wanted to take things slowly when we parted ways. I agreed, and he meant it. We’ve hugged four times: when we met, after the first date (coffee), when we met the second time, and parting ways from that date (climbing gym). We text a bit: not obsessively, but just to say hi and keep in touch. We’ve exchanged a few photos. He sent me a great photo of him in California on a sunny day. I sent him back one of me at that moment: pulled over on the bike path, sweating and smiling under my helmet. So many of his photos are outdoors. All of the one on his dating profile, and the others he’s sent me, except for pictures of his cats and his basement project at the moment. He’s building a woodworking shop in one area of his basement.
We met on a dating site that rhymes with…grumble. He’s smart, funny, has a great sense of humor that I’m getting used to (it’s drier and more deadpan than mine, and I really love it). Taking things slowly translates to not even attempting to kiss me, giving friendly hugs, and not knowing where each other lives (we know the general area) or each other’s last names. He’s just insert first name here and I’m just Dondi. Of course, there are fewer than 1200 Dondis in the US, and I’m pretty easily findable. But I get the feeling that he has better things to do with his time than stalk me. I’ve offered to help with his project a couple of times. I’m not much of a carpenter, but I can measure things and hold things in place and whatnot. He arches a brow and nods in appreciation. He sometimes texts back right away, and sometimes not. He’s astute and intelligent, and smiles warmly when he cracks jokes and at my attempts at humor.
In case you weren’t aware, rock climbing has a certain intimacy to it. Checking knots and belay devices and such has you reaching for the other person’s waist area and standing closely together. One of my friends got her husband to start dating her by continually pretending to fall off bouldering routes into his arms when they were climbing partners. There was none of that at the gym when we went: we treated each other like regular climbing partners. Like a couple of straight dudes who climbed together. His jokes crack me up and he makes me smile. I genuinely appreciate his intelligence and candor. And I even more appreciate the glacial pace at which this relationship is progressing.
The last first date I had was horrendous. The guy was all over me all night (not in necessarily socially inappropriate ways; we were in a bar, but he was rubbing and touching my legs and arms and trying to kiss me all night). I never heard from him again and I am incredibly grateful for that.
With this new person, we text when it’s convenient. I’m freezing some apple cinnamon muffins I made for him, whenever I see him next -likely next weekend, but whatever works. My exuberance got me in trouble for a minute with one text message, but that got sorted and smoothed over.
It’s as if this guy has a life and expects me to have one, sends texts here and there when he thinks of it, and expects me to do the same. There’s no obsessiveness, no need to constantly be texting, and we don’t even talk on the phone. When we see each other we have a lovely time and when we’re away from each other we live our own lives. He knows that my regular partner is a guy I used to date (for two months, 28 years ago, when we were in 9th grade) and that he and I are planning to take some camping trips this summer, and there’s not even a whiff of weirdness around that. He’s encouraging and excited for my plans, genuinely. I’m not seeing anyone else, but I don’t know what his situation is, and it’s absolutely none of my business. My ego rages. “What if he’s seeing other women? Where do you rank? Do better!!!!!” And I smile and take a deep breath and get grateful.
I’m grateful for this unusual glacial pace. I’ve been wanting to take things slowly for awhile. What’s the hurry, anyway? I have plenty going on outside of him, and that goes both ways. And we respect each other’s space and needs, and enjoy getting together when we make plans. It’s really refreshing. I always look forward to seeing him again, and I wonder what we’ll do next. Maybe Meow Wolf? The Fort Collins Art Museum (tiny and somewhat decrepit, but cute and fun)? Who knows…
Distractible Content 