Vanity, oldening

My hands have spread to Large lately, just in the past year. Over all of the widening and spreading and thinning and whatnot over the years I still had small hands, delicate fingers. They’re fleeing now, too: the North Face gloves I got last winter are persnickety to take on and off, at best. Curses snatch themselves from my mouth as I spend inordinately long fiddling with too-tight fingersleeves…

I notice it in the mirror the other day: I am apparently flaking, much to my surprise. Hair, skin, lips, all of it just sloughing off. Where clear green eyes once set firmly below slightly edgy brows, they now peer out from asphalt under-eyes. I brush the cottage-cheese stomach and thighs I still need to lose 60 pounds from and find my face in the bathroom mirror, twisted into disgust. What’s wrong with you?

It doesn’t help that I’m going broke, spend nearly all of my time alone, have to give up lifelong writing dreams that were beginning to fledge, have no significant other or children, and that most of my family is 3000 miles away.

My mom is here though. She’s 68 years old, and she hates it when I mention her publicly. Somehow over the years, while she is visibly older in ways like her skin starts leaking blood as soon as a blade or anything else is within sizing9-up distance, and her hair is now grey and white, she’s gotten so much more beautiful. Ethereal, almost. I mean, don’t tell her that, at least not if you’re me. But she is.

While our highly dysfunctional relationship remains that, she is a model in so many ways. She may not like me, but she does love me, and when we make the tiniest effort, we get along just fine.

And I decide to go nuke some of the mashed potatoes she made for us for Thanksgiving, a little lumpy but SO delicious, and some of the turkey, too, before I head to my volunteer shift. The sixty pounds can wait, and I’ll be riding my bike here shortly, anyway.

Who Else Gets Sick From Grass Fed Beef?

So, grass-fed beef is absolutely better for you than conventional beef.

Grass-fed beef is much leaner than conventional beef. It’s got higher levels of antioxidants, vitamins, a beneficial fat called CLA (conjugated linoleic acid), and 50% more omega-3s, the super high-quality fats that most of us think about getting from salmon.

Grass-fed beef is safer, too. It contains much fewer superbugs -bacteria that has become resistant to 3 or more strains of antibiotics- so it’s considered superior from a food safety standpoint.

So I love eating as healthfully as possible, and as soon as I heard about grass-fed, I was onboard. Sign me up for some goodness the way nature intended! I was totally down.

My body, however, was not.

I get horrific digestive problems and stomach cramps when I eat grass-fed. I am in total torment over this. I want to consume this stuff. I want to support the industry. It seems, however, I’m going to have to take a backseat on this one.

I can’t eat this stuff. I don’t want to spend three days in intestinal peril after having a burger I paid 3xs the amount I would pay for the conventional alternative.

Cows say “Mooo”, and I say, “Noooo”. Yes, I’m grateful this is happening. Of course I will support it. But at the end of the day my McDonald’s-and-conventional burger-raised belly is not having it. I ate too much garbage for too much of my life, and I can’t handle the premium stuff now. This sucks.

Anyone else run into this kind of problem? I know grass-fed is nothing new and yes, this idea for a post has been stewing (or maybe mooing) for awhile. I feel like I have an inferior body. I definitely don’t eat McDonald’s anymore, but I definitely chowed down on plenty of Happy Meal burgers growing up. God damn you, McDonald’s.

The omega-3s thing was, for me, the most exciting part. I could get omega-3s by eating something I already loved!!

Alas, it does not love me. Ah, well.


Maybe because I’ve had a bit of a cantankerous morning today. Maybe because I’m watching a specifically inflammatory episode of Criminal Minds, one of the ones that gets me really fired up. But whatever it is, I had to spill. I’ve been noodling on this topic for a long time and it’s just really starting to overflow. I’ll be posting this too on my Facebook page at

An Amazon driver just dropped off a package for me at 8:05pm on Sunday night. He had a kind affect and appreciative demeanor when I said I’m so sorry for the treatment he receives from his employer. He came into my apartment -at my invitation- and fed some treats to Sox (that he had with him…he carried treats in case he comes across any kitties, which just blew my mind). We shared a brief conversation largely centered around exploitative labor practices and I asked if I could give him a hug. He was such a truly sweet, kind, lovely man, and I thought, I bet there are things he would rather be doing on a waning Sunday evening than delivering packages for possibly the most horrible company -in terms of how they treat their employees- on the planet.

Anybody else around here want to gather as many Amazon shoppers as possible and go on a weeklong (or longer) Amazon fast so that we can all show Bozo who really runs his ship? Imagine, literally nobody orders from Amazon for a week. It might just bring it, and Bozo, to its knees (my friend Jon Murphy can probably better advise on this). Or at least send a wake-up call, that their terrible labor practices won’t be tolerated, that humans deserve better treatment, and that people’s lives are worth more than free overnight shipping.

I realize that there are plenty of people drinking the Kool-Aid and saying that Amazon has revolutionized so much, their employees are fairly compensated, etc. None of that is true. We all continue to be slaves to an enormous monopoly, consumers and employees alike. Slaves to ludicrously fast shipping, and labor practices that push employees to the brink or worse by the THOUSANDS EVERY DAY, and for what? The chance to be further exploited, ourselves?

I’m sick of the massively well-documented, brutal labor practices, the anti-unionization, the pee jars, the fact that they open up in labor deserts and people have to work there because it’s the only gig in town. I’m sick of us not being able to wait a few fucking days for our merchandise; the last time I ordered from them I was informed it would be there “overnight, between 4-8am”. Is it just me or does anyone else think this is a completely unfair practice? Do YOU want to get up at 3am to start a package delivery route for the most horrifically exploitative company in the world, which pays $15-20 an hour, while $25 is largely considered the base living wage at this time? Where employees have no voice, no backing, and management has next to zero accountability?

What can we do? What do you think? Are pee bottles and nervous breakdowns on shift the new normal, or can we be better…people, citizens, friends, more? Why don’t we strive to be better? Is instant shipping really worth that much? How can we sleep at night with the blood of so many on our collective hands?

Host John Oliver of Last Week Tonight, produced by HBO but available a few days later on YouTube for free (a comfortable arrangement if, like me, you’re looking to lower your entertainment budget rather than increase it) has produced many shows on Amazon, but I believe the best one on their labor practices is his show about “Union Busting”. Be warned: if this topic is already getting you riled up, this may leave you enraged. 

I’m interested in hearing from anyone and everyone from this but especially people who love Amazon and consider their practices to be justified, or maybe just not bad enough to warrant action? To give up next-day shipping, free overnights? What is your reasoning? How does this work for you? I’m genuinely compelled and curious about this.

I love you all, and I hope to hear back from you.


Dondi & Sox

Cooking Yellow Rice

I pack books while the water boils, my bookshelves now nearly emptied. The move isn’t for a couple of weeks but I’m getting a jump start on the stuff I don’t use. My books I treasure, but I can treasure them secreted away in boxes until we arrive at our new home.

I pour probably too much oil into the pot and cut the bag open; it’s been awhile since I made yellow rice, years now. The bag beckoned my from the shelf in its shiny bright wrapping. Cutting the bag open releases the scents of the raw spices, the saffron, the bell peppers and other vegetables, the garlic, the hydrolyzed corn protein. Cooking processed food isn’t much my game these days but every once in awhile, I fall prey to remembering my mother cooking us yellow rice to have with tacos on special nights. I think they were special because we could afford all of the ingredients.

The pot beckons and I pull back from the bag, from the sharpness of the raw, the dehydrated chicken and the celery extract. Pouring and stirring with practiced hands, I inhale the spices and the fake food products as the boiling water releases their aromas. I inhale carefully, I don’t really want hydrolyzed corn protein to go directly to my brain, but it smells of childhood times with my family and, later, taco nights as a grown up. I’m cooking it now just to have with some cold cuts, but maybe the actual chicken I have slowly defrosting in my fridge will defrost quickly enough to enjoy with the remainder of it. I suppose I could gobble it all now, but the diet plan prefers that I don’t and really, so do I. The package says it’s five servings; I don’t think I need all of that to myself.  At least not in one night.

My cat Sox howls at my left calf, pressing his silken body against my stubbly leg. It’s time for his dinner too, and I crouch to grab the container of his food from the bottom of the rack a few feet to my left. He is very interested in the container and I have to push him back from sticking his little face in and gobbling. He’s as adorable as he is persuasive, and I gently fill his food dish, one that is a kind of puzzle for him to get to the food. It pounds cruel but he eats too quickly, and I don’t want the food to form a brick in his stomach, so he has to paw the food out of the dish to eat it. It’s kind of adorable, him pawing his food out to crunch down. Sox is a tuxedo with a ‘milk chin”, a little white stripe that runs from the chest patch of white all the way to the tip of his chin. It’s beyond adorable. Excuse me.

Fortunately, that’s really all you have to do to make the rice, cover it, lower the heat to quite low, and let it cook for 20-25 minutes. I forgot to set a timer, but I’ll survive. It’s not like I haven’t done this before.

Of Gods and Dragons

Most of my memories start with, or heavily involve, my mother. This could be because I’m her daughter, a girl-child more impressionable under her mother’s influence, or it could be because I’m her firstborn and I’ve idolized her since the moment I first saw her. It could be because ever since my little sister was born, I’ve been trying to get her all to myself again. It could be because she worries a lot more about me than about Emily.

But probably it’s because I’ve spent more time with her than with any other human on Earth. Dad was wonderful, but he departed this planet’s shivery mortal coils fourteen years ago, when I was just twenty-six. I can’t believe I’ve spent so much of my life a half-orphan. Besides, while my father and I got along famously, he still made me nervous. He had a roaring temper and would get set off by the smallest thing. It got better as he aged…a little. But he was always unpredictable, and in some ways that was fantastic -whitewater rafting! Going to the beach! Cheering on the New Jersey Devils!- but it was also a little upsetting, a little unnerving. I was an anxious kid prone to bouts of depression; I love my Disneyland Dad but no matter how many times during my teenage years I told her -forcefully, practically spitting, sometimes actually spitting- that I hated her my mom was my first love, and I would never stop loving her. 

Over time, my love for her has just grown. Through a decade-long battle with the same illness she and my sister both had, there were multiple occasions where she thought she’d lost me forever, that the next time she would hear about me it would be a phone call from a police officer or worse, a drunk friend of mine. But alcoholism wasn’t going to kill me anymore than it was going to kill her or my sister; I was just a late bloomer. My sister got into recovery at 21 and stayed put. I meandered in and out for the better part of 15 years, acquiring 3 DUIs in the process. You never know how much you value your freedom until you wake up in a jail cell. And they’re never like movies with the black bars and the slamming doors. The last time I was in one they considered me a suicide risk -rightly so; I’m pretty sure I told them I wanted to kill myself- so they put me in this narrow corner rectangle walled in by Perspex or something similar. I slept eventually, probably right after I thought I would never get to sleep in that place.

Mom was there, too. She stopped by the jail after they called her to see if she could pick me up, but it was too late; they wouldn’t release me until the morning, so she left me a note. I still have it. “It’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get back up,” she’d written in her characteristic handwriting. When I was a kid I used to reverse-brag to other kids about how I could never forge my mom’s signature for a note for anything because her handwriting was so unusual. It didn’t occur to me that teachers had better things to do with their time than compare parental permission letters to make sure the handwriting was consistent. It was a strange thing to talk about, but I was a pretty weird kid.

Mom came to get me the next morning. I’d trashed the car that she had given me to drive; almost three years later, I still don’t have my license or a car. While I’m sure she was at the absolute end of her patience with me, she somehow knew not to lay into me. Maybe it was the look on my face. I couldn’t take it and she knew. Instead, she started railing against the disease, apologizing for giving it to me along with my dad. Saying how sorry she was that I got stuck with it, too. It was pretty much a foregone conclusion that both Emily and I would become alcoholics: both parents, both grandparents, and Irish/Native American heritage virtually guaranteed it. We were screwed. My sister got the memo pretty early on. Me…it took a while. But that was the last time I drank. Some of us just take longer than others.

…still working on this one

Dementia Sucks. Here’s One Way we can Fight it.

Imagine actually losing your mind. Suddenly things that were familiar aren’t anymore. You don’t remember faces or people in photos. You find it tremendously difficult to concentrate. You don’t remember how or when to prepare meals. Your child or spouse seems to be a stranger to you. You feel like you’re slipping out of reality somehow, and you don’t understand why. It’s incredibly terrifying, and you don’t really know what, if anything, to do about it. 

For the aging population, which is at an unprecedented growth due to the Baby Boomer generation, the thought of getting dementia is a frightening proposition. Dementia is a general term for a decline in mental ability severe enough to interfere with daily life. Some early signs of dementia are memory loss and trouble concentrating. Dementia is progressive, in terms of the illness’ growth and spread in humans. Alzheimer’s is a common form of dementia. 

We know that dementia comes from damage to brain cells. We even know that different forms of dementia occur in different areas of the brain. We know that the damaged cells wreak havoc on our memories, our concentration centers, and our ability to focus. 

We know that we can’t stop it once it’s started, at least not yet. Recently, however, a study conducted by the University of Exeter found some exciting results. So exciting that the World Health Organization endorses them. As it turns out, eating well, maintaining good health, and exercising can reduce the risk of getting dementia.

What’s more, the Exeter study returned specific, promising results for the people who are at the highest risk of developing dementia. Lifestyle changes to include a healthy diet including lots of fish and vegetables, exercise, quitting smoking, and drinking in moderation can cut the chances of those with the greatest likelihood of developing dementia by a third. Those with the worst genes for it, and the greatest chance of getting it, those who have watched parents or siblings or aunts and uncles get dementia and are convinced they will get it too, have a one-third lesser chance of developing dementia just by making some lifestyle changes. 

Or, as co-lead of the Exeter study, David Lewellyn, stated, “This research delivers a really important message that undermines a fatalistic view of dementia. Some people believe it’s inevitable they’ll develop dementia because of their genetics. However, it appears that you may be able to substantially reduce your dementia risk by living a healthy lifestyle.” Now there is some fantastic news for all of us.

How Do We Know When We’re Grown Up?

I asked this question directly to some of my friends and then on social media. I got a lot of responses. One of them is a bit salty, but many are profound and inviting, and funny. Some friends answered twice! So I thought I’d invite you to check them out and see what you think. Give me your own answer in the comments! I’d love to read it.

“Never if you do it right.” -Sam H

“For a guy, when he has to start paying for sex. For a girl, when they stop being offered money for sex.” -Joe D (Aside: Me: “What if you’ve never been offered money for sex?” Joe “Then you’ve always been a grown-up.)

“Who says we do?” -Andrew B

“I don’t really know the answer to the question tbh.” -Emily B

“Let me know if you find out” -Nichole A

“Screw that, I’m Peter Pan. Lol” -Seth N

“hahah I think that is based on each persons mind set. I don’t ever wanna grow up.” -Brennan R

“This is hard because I feel like it depends on the person!” -Alexia H

“Grown up VS old: Grown up – independent version, when I met my goals. For me was a few years after college. When compared to others; even years before that. Old – a few years after kids :-D”  -Charles P

“When you die” -Fawn M

“I gave up on growing up. Now I’m just growing out” -Heather R

“My motto for all of my adult life has been; growing older is mandatory, growing up is optional. So I am a responsible person, but I will never ;et go of my sense of adventure! Even my kids follow this.” -Jill B A

“I still don’t feel like I’ve grown up. Which is why I agree with Fawn’s answer. Life is a constant progression of learning, growing, and being a better version of myself than I was before. I also agree that responsibility, independence, and other characteristics can apply to being “grown-up” but it does depend on the outlook of who you ask.” -Alyssa M

“I realized I was grown up in a few ways. I started wanting savings! That was big. I didn’t want to blow all of my extra money and got uncomfortable when I had less than a certain amount in my bank account. I started eating healthier and thinking about what I was putting in my body. Thinking about the future instead of what I wanted right in that moment. Im still pretty young and have a lot of growing up to do yet, but I am much more grown than I was even a year ago and those are a couple of the indicators that showed me that” -Alexia H

“I’m 51. Not yet.” -Kevin H

“I feel like the answer to that was when you are responsible for solving your own problems. You’re grown up when your messes are your own to make and your own to set right.” -Katy Q

“I just think of life as constant growth, so the only time you truly are grownup is when you’re done with the lessons. 68 year olds, 15 year olds, 89 year olds, and 4 year olds all know how to have fun and shouldn’t be expected to sit idle because of age.” -Fawn M

“I felt pretty grown up when I made french toast for the first time…all by myself!” -Kimberly S-D

“Adulting is inevitable at some point but we can totally be lifelong kids at heart. My body may change but the kid in me will long outlive the “serious adult” because FTS” -Heather R

“When we lower expectations of ourselves and others. At 67, I know I’m not all grown up. I clean the cat when it needs it. Ooooh. Yummy, French toast. Big kid food!!!” -Lindsay K

“This is such a great question, with endless potential answers! I’ve had such fun reading the responses. I could go on and on, but the one thing that really crystallizes the whole idea of growing up for me is when we stop blaming. Blaming our past, blaming our childhood, blaming our horrible boss, blaming our ex(es), blaming our parents, and on and on and on and on. The moment we stop identifying with our victim stories. And, like anything else, it’s a process, and sometimes we’ll regress!” -Cortney

“’ve truly always felt like my soul is grown up- but I never will grow all the way up. I’m almost 30, and I’ll call my mom everyday just to hear her say she’s proud of me- or for some advice. I still spend money impulsively on unnecessary things. Sometimes I am just as goofy as my two year old daughter and have to process my feelings the same way she does. I don’t think there is such thing as being, “grown up” but you can definitely be more or less grown up than others. Fun question!” -McKenzie C

“The other day I noticed the roof on someone’s house needed replaced/repaired. That felt like a pretty adult observation.” -Amy L

“Being young is about life being more potential than commitment but as you get older the potential will go away whether you make any commitments or not. So you grow up a little every time you make a decision to sacrifice some possibilities you hoped for in order to invest in whatever commitments you chose.” -Lauren

“When you have to start paying bills!! Adulthood isn’t fun!!” -Mark N

“You’re as old as you feel. 🤔🙃 I’m like 10 yo, most of the time.” -Kristen C

“You will just know. I think 🤔” -Doreen M

“Never?” -Emma G

“My dad says when i have my own phone contract… Not happening.” -Rachael M

“Maybe I’m being evasive, but this question is smuggling a lot of baggage with it. What does grown up even mean? If it’s a matter of competence, that’s much more of a rise with an inevitable fall behind it. More of a curve than a milestone. The curvature can vary, and is often truncated early. If it’s about when you stop questioning every choice you make, I think it more a matter of embracing ignorance. If it’s a question about when you are able to handle “real” responsibility, then there are at least two more tough questions behind it. What qualifies as handling it? And: when is it “real”? Is this a passage that by definition is achieved by everyone, and therefore the bar should be set accordingly? We use legal age of adult for that, but I am not impressed with that as much of an achievement if all you have to do is hang out long enough. I’m sure wiser people than me have things good and pithy in the subject.” -Andrew B